Disappointments

 Hi. My name is Talli Lopez. I don't normally share anything personal on these blogs, but today, I want to do something a little different. Just to get a few things straight, I do not write these blogs because I think I am a good writer. God knows my spelling and punctuation are pre-elementary. But for the past 6 years I have been spending time getting to know Jesus, whom I have claimed to be my Lord since I was a small child. This post is not going to be about my testimony, although someday I do hope to share the intimate bits and pieces of this transformation the Lord is doing in me. 

As for today, I want to share about a real disappointment that I am going through as you read this. Years ago in 2003 I completed a 600 hour massage program at the accredited school, Central State Massage Academy. It was not required by the state of Oklahoma at that time to be licensed. However, I was certified and educated. I then began to work at the top spa in Enid. I built the most amazing clientele.  Working on all types of ailments from frozen shoulder to plantar fasciitis, I enjoyed helping others feel their best. During that part of my life I became a mother for the first time. Being a young single mom, the flexible schedule of massage therapy was such a blessing. From 2003-2010 I worked at that Day Spa and from 2010-2012 I had my own studio in Sunset Plaza. But it was the days at the spa that were with out a doubt some of the best days of my life. It was during that time that I married my first husband and become a mother of two. That marriage was short lived and ended up in divorce at the end of 2009, partly because of my immaturity and self centeredness that I did not become aware of until later in life. I married for the second time in 2011, still immature and still selfish, I thought this marriage would fix everything that seemed to be missing in my life  and I could finally have that marriage I so desired since I was a little girl. That is a whole other thing, for another day. But I say all of that to say that after I married my second husband I decided to take a break from massage therapy and focus on being a wife and mother. Then in 2016 my marriage was struggling big time and I returned back to the world of massage I began working in a salon in the heart of downtown Enid, Oklahoma. My heart wasn't really in it, as I was really being overcome by a hidden  addiction to alcohol that not many people knew about. I decided to not continue doing massages convincing myself to stay home and "work" on my marriage. But in reality, I just wanted to be home to feed my addiction. In 2017, the Oklahoma laws changed for massage. It was now a law to be licensed through the state of Oklahoma. The certification and 600hours plus all those years of experience were no longer enough to be qualified. However, for those, like me who had the credentials and experience could be grandfathered in. I ignorantly opted not to be grandfathered in. I knew that if I always had that to fall back on, then at some point it would be too easy for me to give up on my marriage and leave.  I had a habit of giving up or quitting every time things got hard. So I had my mind made up that I would give up massage for good and ensure myself to be stuck and dependent on my husband so that I would never have a way out. Ignorant? YES! Immature? YES! But that is where I was at during that part of my life. For two more years my life was being tormented by my addiction and I was being deceived that it was all I was ever going to be. But praise God that on November 24, 2019 I was set free from the lie of the enemy. God granted me repentance and led me to the knowledge of truth. Through the years I have taken on new opportunities for work. I worked as a lunch room monitor, a realtor assistant, worked at an abstract company, a physical therapy clinic, and an optometry lab. I also took on volunteer opportunities being a leader for two years at community Bible Study. I have had many adventures and new experiences in my 42 years of life. Nothing has ever brought me as much joy as being a mom. It has by far been my favorite gift of life. But now that my children are older, my oldest a junior in college and my youngest a senior in high school I am finding that hopefully, I still have a lot of life yet to be lived. 

This is where the disappointment kicks in. After all these years, I decided to attempt to get back into massage therapy. My hearts desire is to honor the Lord and I can not think of a better way to honor him than to serve the people he created and help them feel better and be someone to listen to them. One of my favorite scriptures is "Lay hands on the sick and they shall recover." Mark 16:18. My heart aches as I type this, because it is just something the Lord purposed in me, that is to see the lame walk, the blind see, the deaf hear, the prisoners set free, that the mute will speak and the sick will be healed. The Gospel is the Power of God and He has changed my life. I so want to share grace and speak truth to a world of lost people who just need an encounter with a real God who really sent his Son to save us. In my pursuit to obtain my massage license, I have taken the required mblex exam twice. I have spent $500 and countless hours of study just to fail on both exams. I can not express how frustrated I am and how defeated I feel. The truth is I don't know what to do. I don't want to keep wasting time and money taking a test that to me, has nothing to do with the practice massage therapy. I will say that the scripture, Philippians 3:13, came to mind right after I read the words 'FAIL' on my exam. "Forget what is behind and strain forward toward what is ahead." I also am reminded that I can't put new wine into old wine skin. And how could I forget the words in Isaiah 43:19, "Behold, I am doing something new, Now it will spring up; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert." 

Anyway, my point is this. Am I frustrated? Do I feel like I don't know what is ahead? Do I feel a bit lost? Does anything in my life right now look like what the Word says? It could really cripple me if I let what I see dictate my future to me. It could really ruin what God has for me if I continue believing my natural eyes instead of walking by faith that comes when I hear the Word of God. The facts say, I failed. But the TRUTH says, The LORD my God will make me prosper in all the work of my hands! Until then, I will wait upon the Lord to show me what is next and I will enjoy where I am until I am shown where only he can call me. And also, I just wanted to encourage you. If you are going through something that seems impossible, just know all things are possible to him that believe. You might not see it now. Be encouraged to hear by the word of God and stop trying to see with your eyes. Receive by faith. It's sound doctrine, not sight doctrine. What if there is more? What if we stop trying to protect ourself with fear and let His perfect love cast out our fear and we listen to know Him? I promise you, He is faithful and the Gospel really is the Good News and its better than you can even imagine! I thank God for you!